Okay ladies and gents,

We’re going to address the subject of seflies for a minute.

Look, I get it. Sometimes, as girls, we just feel really fucking cute. I mean shit, we just spent two hours doing our makeup and hair before heading out to enjoy a mediocre night at a mediocre bar getting hit on by mediocre men all the while acting like we’re deeply offended by the sexual innuendos Danny Douchebag’s been throwing at us every time we walk by, so obviously before that we need photographic proof that we look hot as shit and that we’re about to have the best night of our lives. Like I said, I get it. I do it, too. 

But here are the things I’m confused about-

1) What’s up with the corny hashtags and captions? Firstly, being philosophical and conceited don’t really mesh. Do you honestly think when someone looks at that super close up of your pores they’re inspired to grab life by the balls because you stuck a Marilyn Monroe quote underneath it? And thank goodness you hashtagged #girl because we all had a hard time figuring out what your gender is although your nips are basically showing through your crop top in the middle of December.

2) That weird eyebrow raise. What is that? Did Santa burst through the door while you were snapping that pic or are you shocked you look that good?

3) Man-selfies. Knock it off. Especially on your Macbook. It’s weird.

4) Tanning bed selfies? What? Thankfully, we’ve been kept up to date with every morsel of food you’ve ingested and every pit stop you’ve made throughout your day along with all of life’s silly little mishaps you adorably find yourself in, but YOU! You social media guru you, you knew what we were waiting for. Seeing your face illuminated by ultraviolet rays while you’re tanning for much too long and your butt cheeks burn! That hits the sweet spot.

5) The ever infamous duck face. This one’s just self explanatory. When do you ever find yourself making this expression during a regular day? “Can I get a turkey on wheat without tomato?” POW- DUCK FACE. They’d either ask you leave, think you were coming in for a kiss, or that you accidentally just pissed yourself, you asshole.

6) Multiple selfies. You know what’s my favorite? Scrolling through my Instagram newsfeed for fifteen minutes seeing nothing but your face with a slight variation of expression and a possible switch up between Lo-Fi and Nashville. I’ll take ten more, please.

7) Boob selfies. You didn’t honestly think we thought it was a coincidence, did you?

8) The “look, I can be silly and cute!” selfie. Whether it be the raising of the upper lip, the tongue sticking out face, or the “I’m mad” expression, we all realize you don’t actually look ugly when pretending to be goofy. Make a double chin on purpose for once, it’s fucking liberating.

9) “I’m at the gym” seflies. COOL, BRO. Don’t you think if you spent more time actually working out you’d look even hotter and Insta-grammable for later? I do. (But please refrain).

10) The “look at this object… paired with my face!” selfie. If you’re going to contribute to good ol’ American consumerism, by all means, do it up. Somebody’s got to. But I guess I’m lost as to why your pearly whites need to be shining next to your newly purchased issue of Covergirl? Yeah, I’m pretty positive we assumed you bought that magazine since the inevitable photo next to your Skinny Mocha Double Shot Super Awesome Frappe Latte #relaxation #live #laugh #love was posted under your account.

-Wipes brow-

Thank you for reading. Before the death threats come rolling in, please remember I have admitted to partaking in some level to these dreadful self-gluttonous photo shoots. Guess I’m just a curious kitty about selfie-nation and all of it’s mysterious ways.